At a Loss

"Plan for the worst and hope for the best" is a motto that Joel has always lived by. I think it's a good one, too. We were all hoping for the best. And I suppose it could have been worse. But when you are talking about the affect on someone's life, 'it could have been worse' just doesn't cut it.

It's bad enough.

The thoughts in my head are just swimming around in messed up circles. I just keep thinking "Why didn't I tell her I loved her more?", "What must be running through their little heads as they go to sleep tonight?", "I hope she isn't too scared, all alone"...and so many other things that as I think about them, I can't help but weep.

I just wish there was more that I could have done, that I CAN do now. I hope she knows how much I love her...how much we all support her and how we will do anything in our power to make things easier...if there even is something we can do.

Wait...I still have a blog?

Yeah...I fell off the face of the earth for a while. What can I say? It's Summer, I have 3 kids and craziness all going on and my friends all have craziness going on, so when I have a free minute, I try to think of someone other than myself for a while. I'll just update and then hope that as we work into Fall, I'll be better.

1. I figured out why Olivia wasn't eating well when I laid her down one day and realized she had 4 hard little white lines on her top gums. Poor baby is cutting her 4 top teeth all at once!
2. My platelet count had been doing okay (staying above 30k and even going up to 42k on it's own) but it dropped out to 19k last Thursday. I had to take a round of Dex and had my couple days of side-effects and am now starting to feel better again. My count was 84k yesterday.
3. Will is registered for Kindergarten! That was so exciting and scary at the same time. On the one hand, I look forward to this stage of my kids life, but on the other, I don't want to lose my baby...and I don't want my baby to lose his innocence. Does anyone else out there struggle with the balance of preparing your kids for 'real life' and wanting to protect them from everything that could ever affect them? I can't think about it too long or I make myself crazy.

Doesn't it all seem so simple when you're just in the "let's have a baby" stage? I know we considered the seriousness of being parents, but honestly, you never really know what you're getting into.

4. Joel started a new job! He's repping tile/hard surface for Emser Tile. I think this will be a good change for him, and he's for sure excited about the job.

Okay...that's it for now. I have stuff to do.

No More Bottle?

Olivia seems to be losing interest in her bottle. I started her later on baby food and she's only eating 2 jars, twice daily (so 2 stage 2 jars or 4 stage 1 jars each day), which doesn't strike me as that much solid food, but the last couple days it is a BATTLE to get her to take more than 4 ounces of formula when I offer it to her. And she's been sleeping through the night now for months so she's maybe getting 4 4oz bottles per day. Not nearly enough according to my pediatrician. I've been told to cut back on the solids to make sure she's getting at least 24 oz of formula per day, but I think munch mouth isn't going to be too happy about that since she begs for food whenever she sees the boys eating. She's 9 1/2 months, so I don't have to cut her off for much longer (we try to lose the bottle by 12 months), but it's still annoying! She's different than her brothers. I had to put fruit at the front of the spoon to get the boys to eat anything savory...they liked the sweet! She doesn't mind the fruit, really doesn't like the sweeter veggies (squash & sweet potatoes) and she LOVES the green veggies, carrots and meat of all things! Such a funny girl.
She's also rolling everywhere now and can army crawl in circles, but hasn't learned to go forward or back yet. She is for SURE at the stage where you have to have a constant eye on her because she will be gone before you can look up from whatever you're doing. Also, I usually find her rolled right over to where the boys are playing, as close as she can possibly be. She loves her brothers! I had Holly & Aaron's boys here overnight last night and she was in heaven right in the middle of the boys. I was so worried someone would step on her in their excitement, but they did good! The only mishap was one of the Cole boys gave Olivia a mini Eggo waffle. I thanked him for sharing, but told him she couldn't have those things. He'll learn soon enough when his mom is yanking chokables away from Sabrina & Sophia!

Two sets of twins eating popcorn & watching a movie before bed.

Chocolate chip pancakes & bacon for breakfast!

A New Post: I don't know what to write.

I know I haven't posted anything of any substance in a while. I think in a way, the things that we are dealing with right now are too overwhelming and personal to blog about. I don't feel comfortable blogging this bit of this chapter with everyone in cyberspace - even for the sake of the 3 people that read my blog. Or, maybe I'm just too tired to deal with it. Emotionally, physically, spiritually - Tired.

I will say this: I solicit your prayers. Joel and I, and our family, have found ourselves smack-dab in the middle of what is quite possibly one of the worst things we could imagine. It has consumed the last month of what has easily been the worst year of our lives and, frankly, it's sucking the life out of me. Aside from that, there have been hundreds of little, seemingly trivial (well, compared to this) things that by themselves might be manageable. All together, however, they are just weighing me down.

That's it. That's all I have tonight.

Don't You Just Need a Reminder Sometimes?

You are Lord of Lords
You are King of kings
You are mighty God
Lord of everything
You're Emannuel
You're the Great I am
You're my Prince of peace
Who is the Lamb
You're my living God
You're my saving grace
You will reign forever
You are ancient of days
You are alpha, omega, beginning and end
You're my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer and friend
You're my Prince of Peace
and I will live my life for You.

Something to do before bed...

5 Things I'm passionate About:

1) Living Purposefully; Making the things I do count.
2) My Love, Joel and my little loves, Will, Hunter and Olivia. Committing to be the wife and mommy they deserve.
3) My relationship with Christ - the more I go through in this life, the more tightly I cling to the cross.
4) No trans-fats!
5) Realizing that I am a steward of three little lives, not the owner - their purpose and destiny is bigger than anything I could plan for them.

5 things I want to do before I die.

1) Watch my kids grow up and grow old with Joel.
2) Do something - whether a business or a charitible cause, that makes a difference in this world.
3) Go to Europe
4) Buy/build my parents & Joel's parents a wonderful little house they can retire in.
5) Realize the call on my life and Joel's, and begin to walk in my destiny each day.

5 things I often say.

1) "Ask nicely"
2) "No."
3) "Holy crap"
4) "Good grief!
5) "Are you kidding me?"

5 books I have read lately.
1) The Red Tent
2) Real Food
3) Superfudge (getting ready to read it to Will)
4) Any number of Disney Cars related books
5) Horton Hears a Who

5 movies I have watched 5 times or more
1) The Princess Bride
2) Jurassic Park
3) You've Got Mail
4) The Patriot
5) Toy Story 2

Blood, no guts.

My count was 23k on Wednesday, so I took a round of Dex. Recheck yesterday was 56k, and I've really had a hard time with side-effects this go around. Today is the first day I started feeling 'normal' and I would say it's just a start. Not 100% myself. Keep on keepin' on.