Papa Dave came over responding to my distressed text message this morning pleading for help. Last month, by this day, I was feeling ok. At the VERY least, I could handle taking care of the WHO and deal with life a little bit. My resident chemo expert, Mona, so graciously reminded me that chemicals are building UP in my body - not going away. By her last treatment getting out of bed was all she could muster most days. Oh, YAY! Something to look forward to!
Dave came over so I could come upstairs and take a rest, nap, break, whatever, but as exhausted as I am, I'm finding it difficult to fall asleep. I tried a quiet, boring show, and if blogging doesn't knock me out, reading will probably be next. Sometimes, it's really impossible to make my mind shut down. I'm a planner, an organizer by nature - I like to know what's coming next so I'm not caught off guard. You can't really be like that when you're (really, really working on) wanting God to be the one in charge and be glorified in everything that happens.
I've been thinking alot the last day-ish about the Scripture "A merry heart does good like a medicine". I've asked God for and feel like there's been a change in my emotional and spiritual health over the last several weeks - and I feel like my heart does feel merry, joyful - and once again, I can say "The joy of the Lord is my strength" because I don't have any of my own strength left: physical, emotional or mental. I am so incredibly tired - and isn't it amazing that after three years of dealing with all of this, this next "stage" is simply just starting. The thought of treatments starting and stopping and on again off again with my ITP makes me exhausted. I can only put one foot in front of the other and walk on the path God has for me- one day, sometimes one moment at a time. It's funny, really, how when I focus my eyes on Christ, and not on the vast, looming future of "what-ifs" that the journey doesn't seem quite as overwhelming. It's when I start to plan and prepare for things that it begins to weigh on me.
This post feels really random - but maybe it's just enough of what I was thinking off my mind in order for my mind to rest now - and my body to follow suit.
Please keep praying for me - according to my sources, it gets worse before it gets better. And I'm so, so tired already.
--Bets
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